I’m currently in Pantai Puteri Beach Resort, Melaka… It is hectic.. Really busy… Terendak Hospital is great!!! Learning a lot.. I’ve been getting requests from a few of u guys… One intersting topic was "What men want in a relationship". I have been doing my research, getting pointers, interviewing a few seniors here and there… So when I have the time, I’ll sum it all up in to an entry aite…
Sorry again. bye2…
I’ve been asked and asked again the same questions from time to time. What does love really mean? Well my friends, I do not know the answer to that question. It’s true being alone can sometimes be hard to gobble up and to digest but I does have its advantages. That is how the topic "What does it take to fall in love" or License to Love came up at the last "mamak session" occurred. Sounds a bit lame I do agree but that’s what you get when four single 20+ men can conjure up to when they’re bored to the bone after watching the ‘el classico’ at our lovable and adorable mamak restaurant.
So where to start? I know I haven’t been really updating this blog much cause I’ve been concentrating yet again on my primary blog (yeah, I do write a lot on blogs even if don’t really like writing that much but it’s already been a ritual every night when I can’t sleep and it’s pass everyones bedtime). The story starts with my bud Mr. A asking me what happened to the girl whose been SMSing me quite often these days. I said she got pissed since I don’t really reply or even pick up the phone when she calls. Then comes the ever so persistent Mr. B with his "your so gay" chants (pardon my friend here my gay/bi friends out there) telling me that I’ll never get over my "great slump" as my friend Mr. C calls it. Well I said I didn’t really cared that much about having a steady relationship at my tender age of 22 and Mr. B shot another chant of his famous words.
First let me tell you here (since I’ve never actually updated this blog and only do if a friend request and the primary blog is not known to any of my friends here in Friendster) Mr. A just broke up like a month ago having being in a steady relationship for a year or so and Mr. B dubbed himself a "player" as he calls it and Mr. C is steadily joining me in our challenge to see who can run the longest mile being single (he’s not so far behind but he goes on dates on and off). So basically all four men are not in a serious relationship currently and the topic ‘relationship’ and ‘love’ may sound taboo to us at times.
I don’t know about other men but my tribe here never really talk about our relationships that much and really only happens when the girlfriend that used to be ever so constantly around them hang with us suddenly disappears for a really long time or when a pal looks so bummed he looks as if he has some kind of withdrawl syndrome. It’s really funny being buddies as we are since standard five (well most of us go way back that far and the rest add-on along the way) and we really seldom talk about this stuff (the only thing we talk about is how hot a girl is or "man, that girl is damn cute huh" stuff when it comes to girls).
I don’t know about you guys but believe me we’re quite low it seems at times in regards of women. Well, basically there are times when we ‘directly’ do compliment girls on their behaviours and other none physical attributes but lets just say men are men and what comes first to the visual lens are the most "striking" attributes the naked eye sees. So as I get back to our topic here we talked about what it meant by being in a relationship steadily with a girl. One of them said it was about the beauty of indulging yourself in these out of this world emotions and feelings (I’m not talking about the time when we won the Futsal Cup last time emotion Mr. X [you know who you are] or the time we got chased by that huge dog when we we’re in Standard Six Mr. T). The other guy said it is like when you go out to the movies there is actually someone there for you to look at and smiles back at you every time it comes to those boring parts. Well, I think what he really means is that there is actually some one there for him instead of us with him. Finally came the answer Mr. A gave me, "someone who completes me and makes everyday feel so important as the sun sets and you know you have not wasted a single second of that day". I really think his still missing his ex but when I govern those words awhile longer in my head he does make sense.
It has been awhile since I had a serious relationship so I really tried hard to recall those moments back and really got a headache. All I remembered was me being a total jerk back then and just thought how much I would have appreciated her existence or my existence really in this world. I may not be the best looking guy in the gang but I had my fair share of relationships (your ego is talking here mister!LOL). Out of the real steady girls I was with I don’t really recall myself saying "you complete me" or "your the best thing that ever happened to me" to any of them. Maybe my vocabulary was not sharp or it is just the fact that I don’t appreciate what we have there and then that much.
Which all brings back to our main agenda.What does a guy actually needs to have to face their committed lives as a boyfriend. Now picture yourself taking that driver’s license test again and you so want to drive the car and go places without fearing those road blocks. Take the driving license as your eligibility to be in a relationship, your car as a relationship and the road blocks as problems you will encounter along the way. You will realize why I say this as you picture yourself in your current, past or future relationships.
No relationship is easy and is just all about the good things so these are the things we thought are a must (even if Mr. B doesn’t really agree) if we are to dare be driving anytime soon:
1) Dare to admit our mistakes - this in particular I believe is the reason why most fights go on and on our resurface again and again even if it is and old story once upon a time. Just learn to say sorry and really mean it!
2) Know and understand that you are bound to get hurt and feel miserable at times - You know everyone is not perfect and you know there are bound to be differences so fights are all but natural.
3) Know that she trusts you and at times needs your opinion even if she has already made up her mind - it really is a drag listening to long conversations and listening the her stories but those are about her and everything about her we must accept may it be her past, present or future issues we must accept that her is a whole.
4) Appreciate her opinions, ideas and thoughts even if she is naive, younger than you or just is a bit slow up there - This was what Mr. B’s idea and we pretty much agree with him here. Even if you don’t take her advice show her that you appreciate her ideas and it may be that she really has got experience in such situations.
5) Know that it is going to be a long way to get her to trust you 90% (a girl once said the always keep the other 10% as an insurance) policy - it is not easy when you work, study and especially socialize in a co-ed society. Your bound to have her doubting you at times and you really get sick of it but you must accept that she is doing it and acting so cause she really likes or love you that much.
6) You are ready to face competitors - Mr. C broke up with his girl because of his insecurity that his ex was being adored by others and feels that her playful and easy-go-lucky attitude makes her easily accept friends that actually have other ideas. I believe that if you see those great traits and attributes that she has then you know that there are bound to be others who think so too. It should be done and be treated as a healthy competition that should only strengthen you belief that she is one girl you don’t want to let go. In my case, I should have stayed on and fought for her instead of letting her go and belief that she is better off with that other man (I was such a loser when I think about it again)
7) Know that really want this relationship and believe in yourself to support your "stand" - This here is the last of what we talked about before it was nearly time for Subuh so we went back home. I strongly believe that we always have doubts on "should I tell her" or "should I take this step" or "is she the ‘one’ (as I friend from college said)". Once your sure that this girl is the girl you want to commit to then stand by that belief. Go all out and never look back or doubt yourself anymore.
This here maybe the longest entry I ever wrote here and is not one of those twisted entries you guys say I always write but it is what I believe a very valuable piece that I really spent time on writing. With the help of my companions, I believe these are just a minor half of other traits or stuff we should ponder upon before saying "I love you" or "please be my one" or "you complete me" shit and actually don’t really mean it. Let your heart guide you and not your balls down there. It is not fair and really if you do mean it, in the end it might just turn out to be a "premature relationship" and might just regret for the rest of your lives.
-by your friendly and ever so bored at home chief, Mischievous Lad-
WARNING: These are just what me and my friends talked about on a night of football madness and are our thoughts alone. Do not blame me for any break ups or what so ever complaints you guys always blame me for or of any sort. Just writing upon your requests and not because I really wanted to share stuff cause I have a very private blog for that.
You know its quite funny how I get played by people sometimes. Tricked and picked seems normal to me but being done so by nature itself taking course?
Woo.. It’s a bit of weird feeling if you ask me but yup it’s finally here after so long the feeling has been gone. After so long of saying "NO" and avoiding the unwanted. It’s finally here.
You just can’t run or hide huh? Being asleep at home and receiving this feeling, this sensation? God works in mysterious ways in this is one of em. Never knew it would happen since I’ve been trying so hard to run away.
Maybe I just have to accept the fact that a man is a man and this is something that happens ever so naturally too. It’s here. It’s now. It’s for real.
Boys and girls there you have it. The feeling I tried to avoid from is here.
It’s 4 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. Neither of caffeine nor is it of too much sleep.
I should be thrilled and happy by now since what I sat off for has been achieved. Yet my feelings mellow and linger way for from what it should be.
Neither a touch of sunshine nor is it the sound of crickets from a nearby creek. Neither laughter or sadness maybe just somewhere in between. Lips tight shut, eyes half alive so it seems.
I just don’t know how to describe this aura around me as if everything is but a dream. "How to lose a guy in 10 days" thats the show just played on desktop screen. How is it possible I’m stuck here watching this when I should be out there being wild and free?
Lost with words I normally find easy to say. Lost with thoughts and ideas than I can’t ever put at bay. Just do not know why I write even though I hate it so. Just don’t know why I go on smiling when it is not there in my heart to show.
A fortress once of ego and confidence. Now piles of rust and dusts that pierce the eyes that once see so clear. Not able to enjoy the trust and feelings I dear. Just clinging to what I hold valuable left and running away from my fears.
Lighting up another candle that lights this dark and tainted heart. Seems impossible I know but who cares its a start. Voodoos and tricks wont move this daggered heart. But thanks I say a plenty for trying to sew whats already torn apart.
Just step back a little and let me take that step forward into the morning sun. Let me take those shaky steps alone and do not help me for it is mine to take and I’ll promise you I will not run. Just let it be and take a step back that day will sure to come. Stop pushing and I promise you I will not run, I will not hide, I will not let what I built so long die and I will not cry.
The truth is I am strong then, now and I will still be in the future. Just don’t push me and I’ll show then, here and after. At 4 in the morning I’m telling you this take a step back and I’ll show you what it is I’m after.
-so long its been so long but what the heck I’ve got time to kill-
What can I say other than Happy Birthday. What more can I give that you
already hold? My thanks and deepest wishes for what ever the future
holds. No matter what the world throws at us, I just know. I just know
we’ll make it through. Like the days when we used to run away to school
cause it was late and a canning was coming and we cheated our way
passed it. Remember that time when we wanted to come to school for
football and it was running like there was no tomorrow but we just
laughed our way through it?
I know life has never been fair to us at times and me being a jerk
don’t seem to help much to it. I know our ideas always part ways but
hell we always stayed together to get through it. The truth is your
like a brother to me, always been there even if you don’t know it. I
can only thank you so ever much on your birthday cause you are you and
thats the best way to it.
I may not know how to sing a song, write good words or put on a smile
to show my gratitude. I may not say the good things about you but come
on its just egos and of course you know all about it. It’s been years
for us going down the road where we do not see where it leads but heck
its worth it. Cause I know I have you to pull me back up and to you I
owe all of it.
Happy Birthday my dear friend. Happy Birthday to you I say aloud. Those
numbers mean nothing to us cause we know that life is about something
way beyond digits and figures and our scars are great proof of it. I
salute you on this very day, you’re here passing that milestone life
sets. Let your gracious wings take flight and take you where ever your
destiny lies. Beyond the horizon, beyond the skies just look down and
know we are always here smiling for you no matter what.
Happy Birthday!! May all your wishes come true…
You can swear all you like. You can curse a thousand mile. You can scream from the top of your lungs and yet it remains the same here in my world. In my world, nothing really matters and nothing really means that much.
I see what I choose to see. I listen what I choose to listen. Even if I do listen, it doesn’t really matter cause I choose to REALLY listen or just SIMPLY listen. Thats the way it is. Its life. Its the world I live in. The world we’re nothing else matters cause thats how it is.
The mind set of mine and of yours do not path. You don’t see things the way I do. I’ll just have to see you when you get there. Its just to hard to explain.
10 years ago around 1996 it wasn’t always like this. Stunt men we’re so hard to find it my country. Not many dare walk that path. Now, countless times you can see these street performers show off their skills for not more than attention of beauty beyond their reach. A pity I say. A big disgrace.
Its not that I don’t love my countrymen. Its not that I care too less to make a stand. Its just that my voice would never reach. Education seems beyond their arms reach. Our mind set no longer on the same path. Lives walked way apart. Thats life. Thats the way it is. The my life the way I see it.
Ah.. The first sip that sent me straight to heaven. Like a marauder of the desert scavenging for a drop of water. The sip of life.. The feeling of euphoria that has been so long missed…
On the sandy beeches so smooth brushing my feet… The northern arctic sky projects the aurora not any man can see… The touch of silhouette at tips that makes my eyes sore.. I’m blessed again after walking the path of sins… taking the depths no man should take…
Again I see the beauty no mortal should possess. Again this dream sinks into reality blinding me from the world others see and sending me into another parallel world of wonders…
Should others cross my path again someday, should others try to follow the foot prints I left behind along the way… Please turn back.. Please take your bow and leave. This journey, this voyage, this adventure has nothing to offer when you reach the end. This journey I take is for me alone. There is no "we" nor is there "us" just "me" and "I" alone.
Rockets taking off as the count down begins. From the first count of ten. The words sent shivers down my spine. The soil that gives birth to the trees in heaven. Not many see the world the way I see it. Shades of colours black and grey. I tried to make fantasy a reality or what it seems to be right from what is left.
Nine and a eight to go. Acts of wisdom seems a crime to others. Not being accepted by the world or being a fringe member of society for to long weakens to foundation once built. Cracking a nut seems like a brick on finger tips of some.
Eight and let me lay it straight. Independence is just a word that symbolizes freedom instilled in the higher minds. Freedom is a feeling that is long yearned and only appears in dreams that are no longer that many. As the Sandman’s magical dusts works its magic, the soul leaves the chains of reality to yet another dungeon looked in the dark labyrinth. Only the eyes emits signs of light that penetrates deep. Ravaged even in my sleep.
Seven as the count down comes nearer to the half way line. GOD please listen to my plea. As He has never failed to do so during my darkest hours.This another of those one-so-many times I walked the wrong paths that seems so great in the eyes others see. Hoping for a new beginning and another birth. Missing the feeling of the first taste of air a child has at birth. Longing for the neon lights to be put to rest.
Tumble from my daze to number six. Wondering if the truth is there but the five senses have been deceived. Being blinded by the smiles that takes away the truth. Touch is the only sense left to use. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on since the feeling it brings is like no other. Bypassing the logics in life straight to the gates of my heart.
Midway through and as long as I can remember the number reaches five. The ways the world spins on its own. Playing games so hard that the heart breaks and the mind is no longer in your control.
the rest is put on hold since the hand no longer could be controlled…
I have never been so direct in my writing. In all my life I have always tried not to slip a single clue. But here today I feel so weak. So depressed. So uneasy as these feelings stir in me and devour me from within.
Nothing worse than being a traitor. I deserve the utmost punishment. The worst of all names. I’m so ashamed of my true skin. I never knew that falling in love was such a crime. I never knew that my world would crumble because of this crime. Why God? Why me? Why her? Why him? Why now?
Especially at this time around. Why test me now after I got through this torrid patch in life? After months of sticking the pieces of my broken heart. After countless nights wondering what I did wrong. After numerous days I spent weeping in the dark. After all those days finding a reason to carry on. I’m not a loser I once said. I can do this I said over and over in my head. But now you’ve sent me this?
God no. Not now. Not after taking those shaky steps back into life. Why must I be the one to face this most awkward feeling? The first love against an oath I took to love and care for the person I call a brother? Why must this feeling haunt me in my sleep? Not only in my sleep now it haunts me even as my eyes are open big.
Bro, please understand this. If I knew she was yours I wouldnt there say a word. I wouldn’t bother telling you how deep she means to me. Because you are as important to me as all the feelings I have gathered into one. You are my brother man. Something not everyone I call way out blind.
I would just like to pave my way out of this path I surely am so sad to take. I pray for your happiness and long lasting love. I am so sorry man. Compared to you no wonder I lost in the first place. On bended knees I plead to you. Forgive me bro. Forgive me for my sin.
Finally all the pieces have come together. All the lies, all the lyrics of this song. I was such a full for not seeing it. I was such a fool even though I knew but I kept not believing in it.
I could only say that life will never be the same. As it was then now it will glide way further cause I know its just the way it is. I can believe how I am such a fool. How I carved the old oak tree to write names that will eternally stay. How I managed to sink so deep and not die along the way.
Man how could I missed it? How could I not realize it when it is stated so clearly when its always there? But I know what it is that needs to be done. I now know the ending to the play that so long ago begun. I rest in piece now after knowing the answers I really need. Thank you again for listening to my last plea…
