Mischievous Days

To thank another human being is not always an easy task. The phrase maybe simple but the feeling of sincerity and willingness to do so takes a lot out of ones ego. An egoistic self-centered and proud man may take a long time to do so while a weak hearted, low self-esteemed and mentally traumatized man would say it with ease.

My point here may not be so simple and direct but to say thank you means a lot to some one who seeks satisfaction in making others happy and in making ones life happy is but all that one person’s goal in life.

My walk from Siberia to Cyber Ria seems to be of interest to many friends. My thoughts and how my mind works then, my it be my emotions getting the best of me or may it be other non explainable terms to rile up my story for others to tell their future kin.

Let’s put aside that story my friend if you so happen to read this. Let me tell you the story of the road I chose once then. To carry on or to choose another was my choice back then abide the fact that you were there and you did see it. To inflict more pressure on my father’s head was never the intention I had then. Neither was it to run away like the dog I am known to some nor was it emotions controlling my judgment now and then.

My past so many have heard and lived through together with but what is in my heart I have kept six feet under for as long as my 23 year old body carries my 12 year old soul with  for so long even I can no longer see myself. Why now you may ask? Why not then?

It is so easy to say "I’m happy" when the mask you’ve been wearing has been there since you were only ten. Hiding my emotions and true feelings from others as a sign of weakness to all was clearly not my intention or was it mine now for all to see. What actually is burning myself is not the physical and mental abuse and torture outside but what my soul burns out slowly from inside is whats’ killing me.

Years and years of hiding the fact that I was hurt by the series of unconscious torture of guilt and non wanting the accept the truth of whats’ at hand then has started to pile so high that I could no longer see. The peak no longer within the naked eyes’ reach, no longer felt, no longer measured, no longer can you walk using mere feet.

It pains me to say I feel alone even though I have so many around me and I feel alone cause for so long I no longer tell what it is I feel. The feeling you guys gave me even for awhile I’ll cherish till the day I die and no longer breathe. That day your smiles touched me so deeply. That day your smile sparked me back to life. That day I smiled my first true smile. That day you showed up back into my life even if it was for just one peep.

"Thank you" I’ll say it once cause that is the most sincere "thank you" I’ve ever said. "Thank you" for sharing and being apart of my memoirs that day I turned 23. "Thank you" for the wishes, lavishing me with your kind words and endless love. "Thank you" even though some may forgot the correct day and the correct moment but I understand that there is love. "Thank you" for making me feel appreciated for what our friendship has so long stayed. "Thank you" for bringing me up, raising me although so many times I have failed. "Thank you" for trusting me even if I may lie again some day. "Thank you" for being there cause it hurts me more when I’m alone and no one cared.

May these 23 years of existence be worth to all and benefit man-kind more than it will ever benefit me. May I one day make these figures people call age matter and not just mere figures so that the wisdom and experience gained will make me the man people hope to see. May God grant me the wisdom, patience, loyalty to Him, courage and the kindness to withstand these coming years. May I one day pay back your kind words, thoughts and hopes with not mere promises but with proof that I so deeply need. May one day I be the man who walks with his two feet, two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one heart, one brain, and so many souls not just mind but the souls of all of you that made me, "me".

This entry was posted on Monday, April 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.