Mischievous Days

Wish once then when we were young and naive,
Wish once then when we knew not what it even means,
Wish again, wish it more and wish back again,
Wish for toy cars, dolls, colouring books galore,
Wish for mama not to scold me for lying back then,

Wish upon a falling star,
Make a wish no matter where you are,
Wish it well,
Wish it right,
Cause we never knew then what was wrong and what was right.

The wish I made never came true,
The wish I made for me and you,
The wish I made to for ever stay,
The wish I made for you not to move that day.

May that star come again back up there in the sky,
So I could tell him that he had lie,
So he would know what that wish meant to me,
So he could see how lonely I have been,
So he would give me my wish back again,
So he could return my long lost friend.

What it feels to lose him then,
What it feels for him to lay there no matter what I say,
What it feels deep down inside to lose a friend,
What it feels to waive goodbye as he goes far far away,
What it feels when you know he will no longer be there,
What it feels to know he took that flight up there.

Wishing upon a falling star,
Wishing for him to see me now,
Wishing that he is among those stars above,
Wishing he could see how I miss him and love,
Love him most even if he is no longer here,
Love him even if he left me all in tears.

Dear star, why did you fall but not grant me my wish?
Why did you promised me but still it has not appeared?
I wished for my friend to always be here,
I wished that my friend would be my friend still,

Now I see that the star had not lie,
Now I see with my naked eyes,
No more tears, no more tears,
As a hand wipes away those tears,
And another, and another, so many hands here,
Wiping my tears so I could clearly see,
That the star kept his promise it made to me,
Friends so many my eyes can not count,
And my long lost friend found,
Deep within my heart.

-Tribute to you, my uncle, my friend, the one that raised me, the one that took me to see football games, the one that scolded me, the one that loved me no matter what, no matter when. I miss you dearly-

To thank another human being is not always an easy task. The phrase maybe simple but the feeling of sincerity and willingness to do so takes a lot out of ones ego. An egoistic self-centered and proud man may take a long time to do so while a weak hearted, low self-esteemed and mentally traumatized man would say it with ease.

My point here may not be so simple and direct but to say thank you means a lot to some one who seeks satisfaction in making others happy and in making ones life happy is but all that one person’s goal in life.

My walk from Siberia to Cyber Ria seems to be of interest to many friends. My thoughts and how my mind works then, my it be my emotions getting the best of me or may it be other non explainable terms to rile up my story for others to tell their future kin.

Let’s put aside that story my friend if you so happen to read this. Let me tell you the story of the road I chose once then. To carry on or to choose another was my choice back then abide the fact that you were there and you did see it. To inflict more pressure on my father’s head was never the intention I had then. Neither was it to run away like the dog I am known to some nor was it emotions controlling my judgment now and then.

My past so many have heard and lived through together with but what is in my heart I have kept six feet under for as long as my 23 year old body carries my 12 year old soul with  for so long even I can no longer see myself. Why now you may ask? Why not then?

It is so easy to say "I’m happy" when the mask you’ve been wearing has been there since you were only ten. Hiding my emotions and true feelings from others as a sign of weakness to all was clearly not my intention or was it mine now for all to see. What actually is burning myself is not the physical and mental abuse and torture outside but what my soul burns out slowly from inside is whats’ killing me.

Years and years of hiding the fact that I was hurt by the series of unconscious torture of guilt and non wanting the accept the truth of whats’ at hand then has started to pile so high that I could no longer see. The peak no longer within the naked eyes’ reach, no longer felt, no longer measured, no longer can you walk using mere feet.

It pains me to say I feel alone even though I have so many around me and I feel alone cause for so long I no longer tell what it is I feel. The feeling you guys gave me even for awhile I’ll cherish till the day I die and no longer breathe. That day your smiles touched me so deeply. That day your smile sparked me back to life. That day I smiled my first true smile. That day you showed up back into my life even if it was for just one peep.

"Thank you" I’ll say it once cause that is the most sincere "thank you" I’ve ever said. "Thank you" for sharing and being apart of my memoirs that day I turned 23. "Thank you" for the wishes, lavishing me with your kind words and endless love. "Thank you" even though some may forgot the correct day and the correct moment but I understand that there is love. "Thank you" for making me feel appreciated for what our friendship has so long stayed. "Thank you" for bringing me up, raising me although so many times I have failed. "Thank you" for trusting me even if I may lie again some day. "Thank you" for being there cause it hurts me more when I’m alone and no one cared.

May these 23 years of existence be worth to all and benefit man-kind more than it will ever benefit me. May I one day make these figures people call age matter and not just mere figures so that the wisdom and experience gained will make me the man people hope to see. May God grant me the wisdom, patience, loyalty to Him, courage and the kindness to withstand these coming years. May I one day pay back your kind words, thoughts and hopes with not mere promises but with proof that I so deeply need. May one day I be the man who walks with his two feet, two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one heart, one brain, and so many souls not just mind but the souls of all of you that made me, "me".

Face it all face it now.
The lonely nights sweeping us as we sleep in the dark cold nights.
The days spent eating alone or with friends.
The days spent like it’ll never end.
The days I say Hi and Goodbye.

The days we sang in the car as it slowly rains.
The day you stayed home all alone.
The days you were sitting next to the phone.
Every time you hoped that I’d stayed away.
The days that you pray that I’ll be here and stay.
No matter what you say or do, that fact is I still love you.

When I said no and you said you’ll wait.
The day you cried when I walked away.
The day I came back to see your smile.
The day I saw you with another guy.
The day I saw your sweet bright smile.
The day I knew that time really flies.
That day I said that you deserved the best.
That day I knew it was one that’ll last.

Now I see what a fool I’ve been.
To not see what was there from the very beginning.
Now as you walk that sacred isle.
I say good luck and keep that smile.
As I spread my lonesome wings.
I’ll soar the skies for that one thing.
Thank you for those precious times.
Thank you till the day I finally die.

In you I learned what happiness really means.
In you I believe.
In you I see.
In you I know what love really means

-Written on a lonely night-