Mischievous Days

It’s 2007. A year has gone by. I remenisce the times. Looked back at the year I had passed. Read through what has written on the history book I wrote. From shot to the seven skies and over the mountain peaks to shot down to the ground. Buried in the sands of time.

From rainman to sandman. Toying with dreams. Jumping through dimensions and black holes. Governing the underworld and dancing with angels in the rain. From friend to foe. I never knew what went wrong. Didn’t know why I got shot down. Didn’t know why my wings got clipped.

Now, putting the stick in nuetral. I cast my emotions and feelings away. No longer does it suit me. No longer does it ever help. I’m now an outcast. Cast away to the ends of the deep blue yonder. No longer on any side of the fence. Just some where in between.

Thank you for reading what I wrote straight from the heart. I will continue back in my xanga and blogspot. But that is just for my own free will to let things out. If any seem interested let me know I might share the site. But for now. It’s so long. Thank you for all as it all counts.

P/S: Till this day that feeling never fades. The bruises and the cuts remains. The scars as proof. The nimbness it brings. Just smile for me one last time. That is all I ever ask…

"Didn’t want to end it without a happy ending. So on the 31st I’ll tie it up with happy thoughts. But this here is one thing I need to say. So here it goes."

Shifting from first to second. Clutch let loose and steered into second. Drove along the streets of memory lane. Letting go of the past and drive on to the next. Pushing forward not wanting to turn back.

Then it hits. The sky turns black. The rain drops and the wind blows back.Reminiscing the times spent from reverse back to gear one. It was all hard and never easy to look back. The warpath. The agony. The broken limbs. The broken heart.

O I wished I can just leave and forget. Erase the memory of my past. Erase these feelings that I have. Now I am stuck. Unable to move. Stuck in a world of dreams. Not able stepping back to reality at my own free will. Still unable to move on yet the steps have already been made. Not wanting to stay. Already a step forward. Yet I fail to carry the most precious thing I have. It was still there. At the place it is not wanted. Still there. Nothing wanting to follow on.

I am so sorry for the changes. I am so sorry if my actions gave others pain. I am sorry if my words came out ugly. I am sorry if my thoughts cause you shame. But believe it isn’t easy. I try. I am trying. Give me a chance to move on to the next stage.

I offer my appologies and promises of men. Honourable and passionate. I swore my oath. I will keep the code. I shall walk this road. But, please bare me. As I am still stuck in second gear.

Its finally time. No more tales. No more promises. No more things I could probably share. I would love to say I want to. But I don’t see another reason why.

For what I did. For the pain I’ve caused. For all the sorrrows a man can cause. For the hits. For the nuts and bolts. For that look you give me. For that lie that you told.

I can say I’m happy. I can’t say my life is complete. I can’t say I cherished the oppurtunity for I already lost what mattered the most. You think its easy well come on try me. You think its fun then come on try me.

I showered my all for you to see. I exposed myself to all for the world to see. I tried but I failed. I try but once again it proves how much I can do. Now with this. I see goodbye. I take my bow. I say thank you. May you find happiness. My seek the things that matters most. For you I have lost everything. I really mean everything. Nothing more for me to hold. My past, my present and my future. Gone for just wanting you. Was it all worth it? I don’t know. I just don’t know. So long and good luck.

On the meadows in front of the lake. The lake that reflects golden yellowish light that soak the sky that night. With the touch of black serves as a platform for the main event.

There up in the world above us. The stars dance as if there was no end. Dancing to the music that moon sings. On that night. On that night. Endless. Gazing. Reaching one hand trying to reach. Grabbing the beauty that is out of hands reach.

At the corner up above. Leaving its tail of wonders. A shooting star. When I thought it would all go Nova. When it would finally reach its end. A dash of hope. A shooting star. Another wish. Another wish.

Galloping and dancing the others cheered. To the sight seen. To the beauty reveiled. Another journey to the end of the world? Another encounter with the depths unknown? We’ll see. We’ll just wait.

9 out of 10 times I try to do this over and over and I failed. The only time I didn’t fail was when I managed to persuade my way in. The truth is. It doesn’t really matter how many times you try. Its how many times you failed and bounce rite back.

No one said it was an easy task. No one said you must go through. Do you know how many times it takes to please some one? The point is it differs from person to person.

I have a choice. I made my choice. I choose to go on. Yet, I know it hurts. Putting on that mask again. Having to enter the lions’ den. Having to show how tough you are. Having to pretend. When in reality. Deep down inside. It hurts. I hurts a lot. Having to face it all. It really is scary. It really makes me feel fear.

How I would like to look fear in the eye and say bring it on. How I would like to do so now. But in me deep down. I know how bad it feels. This year is ending. It has finally reached the end. I would like to close this chapter. Finally saying I tried. Finally saying I made it pass so far. 

Open my mailbox and its filled with bills. I found a letter with your name on it. My world went black. The day we shared our vowes. The day we picked this house. The day we built our home. Together.

The furniture you chose. The door mat that I stepped since the beginning this house was ours. The keys that I treasure. When I openned the door on you greated me at home. The smile you gave and the hug so close. That day at our home.

The rainy nights we’d shared together. Watching the rain drops fall down the window. The days we shared together in this place called home. The days we cooked together. I set the table for dinner. At a place we called our home. The candlelights for dinner burning for us forever. In a place we called our home.

That day was just a memory. When you took your bags and left. In a place we called our home. You left your keys with a letter. Said goodbye forever. In a place we use to call our home. The letter had your name. The damned postman must have not known yet. That this was the place we called our home.

I called but you never picked up. The times I tried. I really really tried. To get back this place called home. But now its just a memory. This place we called our home. Please take me home. Please take me home.

I will not cry on this day. The day you walked away. I will not fall on my knees. The day you walked away. I will not show what I feel inside. The day you walked away. It has been five years now. The day you walked away.

Today is not the average day for us. Everyone knows it but we don’t show the side that weeps. We keep it tight eventhough it hurts and the cut is deep. Everytime I look into him my eyes just can’t stop to itch. Everytime I look at him my eyes just gets filled to its brim.

I want to go berserk at times. Hearing the words people say of you. I just can’t bare the look on your son. Everytime this day comes true. A day where people around the world celbrate but my heart aches each time its near. The day you walked away from our lives. The day you entered heaven’s gate. Wait for me there. Wait for me. But I promise you. In my heart you will surely live.

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t live my life like this forever. I can’t go on smiling when in my heart I know the answer. I can no longer put on this mask and just say I’m cool. I can no longer say what I do is true. I can no longer run. I can no longer hide. I can no longer lie. I want to speak the truth.

The truth is I hate it when I can no longer see you. I hate it when I say I fine. I hate it when I force myself to smile all day. I hate it when people say I’m kind. I hate it when I stare at the stars alone. I hate it when I know your doing it too. Gaze at the moon as the rays soak our skin and the stars gate around you. I hate it when I know your doing this. With another person and I know it isn’t me. I hate to say that I want you to be happy. When in reality I wish your hurt too.

I no longer walk my path I took. I no longer believe in the winds of love. I no longer think my feelings are true. I no longer believe in me and you. I no longer think that every road leads to a happy ending. I only believe it is for all but me. I know for sure I can no longer be happy cause I live my life without you.

I know I am no thinking straight for spending more than a day without sleep. My head hurts from all the buzzing I hear all day. But I dare look away because I keep thinking of you. I know I can never force you to change. Change the way you feel and what you do. But I can no longer lie and say I’m fine. Cause all I want is to be with you.

No more words that show I care for a new start. No more words to show I am strong. I am no lion. I am no king. I am no longer the maestro too. I no longer the shots anymore. I know linger have a say. Cause my actions now show how much I have failed. I show the side I wish others also knew. The side that is weak and soar from all this sadness when I am no there with you…

When you feel like the world is against you. When you feel as if no one cares. As if everyone is laughing at you. Singing songs that just makes you down. Eyes flowing like a river that never ends. You feel as if you could die and no one would care. The days seem dark and your all alone. And putting a mask everyday. Saying it is okay but inside you know.

Only you know how it feels. Only you know how this feeling robs your soul and how the pain peels. Not wanting to let go but feeling it taken away. Why me? Why now? Those questions over and over goes..

But don’t you cry. Don’t feel sad. Believe in that thing deep inside your soul. Believe in Him and you will see. When ever you feel like letting go. Just wait. Just believe. Look into the stars. The aurora in the north artic skies. The beauty it brings. Look back into yourself. Hold on. There is always hope.

I never I could smile again. I never knew I could ever learn. I only knew how to pretend. I never thought I would get the chance. I could do it again even after all that I have lost.

A new beginning is all that I seek. I new twist. A new turn. A curve in the shallow road I have been walking. To take another leap out. To find an escape route. To find my way out of this dark labyrinth I live in.

Like a new breath of air. A hand reaching out from the skies above. Pulling me out of the dragon’s lair. The hand that brought me back to reality. Gave me back my sanity. I thank you again. With the smile you possess. I thank you again. For brightening up my day.