Mischievous Days

Don’t want to let go. Don’t really want to say hello too. Don’t really want to move away. But I don’t want to see you stay while I leave and be the man I don’t want to be.

Being alone in my world is no longer an option. It is time for me to step back. Back into the world where my happiness never really mean a thing. It is always a priority for others for me to think. I can’t help it. It’s the way it is since as long as I can remember.

In the nights when it is finally time for myself, I lay alone it the balcony. Basking in the siarra rays. Just looking at the stars at night. Looking for directions like a sailor lost at sea.

Smiling alone as the stars shine so bright after the rain. Sitting there as memories rush through. Just wondering what I should do. Should I pursuit my dreams or should I just live for others.

The only dream I have needs more then just hardwork. The dreams I have seems running further away from me. But again, looking at the stars for directions. I smile once more. Maybe it is just me. How long shall I live? How long shall my life carry on? Only God knows. I just hope I die still loving you no matter what. Cause if I die tomorrow and your vision is no longer with me. Then, I die a normal death. A death of only emptiness and without achieving a single thing.

But, as long as live. I’m going to keep on smiling. Praying. Hoping for you to be happy. Praying that you’ll never have to see a dark sky. Smiling again as those visions of childhood years spent with my close friends. It has been ten years since we have known each other. One  by one. One leaves the nest. One finds happiness. One chasing dreams. As I lay there on the floor I realize I may be the only one who has not taken that step. Yet it remains I am human. Cause I finally see that I do have feelings. Since I met you, I have learn’t how to smile again, laugh, how to cry, how to show how much I care.

It has been awhile but it remains true. I am human. And its because of you

It has been a great few days recently. With a pure smile. With a cool feeling of pleasure for the first time since a very long time. Still no where near a 100% yet the water seems just murky instead of pure black.

Wounds are beginning to heal but it still bleeds when time is suddenly at still. I found a more soothing tune in my life. I need to move a step forward eventhough it still hurts at times. With the support I get everyday, I finally have the courage to move a bit. Now I realize that to give and provide, I must be stronger and more secure.

I would not lie. I can never dream a dream without that angelic smiling in my sleep. That smile which makes my heart come back to life. The cinammon smell of her scent. The graceful steps of an angel surely left footmarks in me. Telling me that she is still there. No where in sight but always the in me. The only reason I am moving away is not because I am scared or that I have given up. But just merely to give space and time. To wait and see. To appreciate more and more each day.

I always find myself walking back in time. Looking back at my foolishness which others say insane. I truly was a low-life for it is worth. Losing every single drop of feelings of acception from the world envoloping me. I had truly felt like I was a person without any pride. No dignity. But I always believe and never will change my belief. I believed that it was the right choice for I acted that way never before. It was worth it even if it means just getting to be noticed. No matter what I swear she is worth all of it.

I do realize that one day I may still be a loner. Without her alone by myself. With no hope of her by my side. But still I will accept anything as long as that smile never leaves that face.

It is just I wish. I wish that still. Maybe one day, she would give me a chance. Save me a dance. Let me show how much she means to me. No matter what. I know that dreams and reality seldom collide. Just shows how much I want this so much.

Please if that day comes and I am still alone, let me hae this last dance. Let me feel your touch. Let me feel the warmth you gi. Save me that dance. For my life maybe miles away from her but yet just atleast save me the last dance.

With all the books and stuff lying around in the house, no wonder my pops keeps nagging me to get a life! He comments blurting out "go read a book" or "go cycling". He was the one who said "I don’t want you playing football, rugby or any sports anymore!" back in school but now he keeps nagging at me to start back.

In my own world where nothing seems to matter to me so much, I really don’t understand the world I live in. Everything seems so complexed. Everything we do needs a reason. Every single drop of sweat means something. Why can’t people see that we might be just following our hearts? Is it so hard to accept? The hood seems to follow me crashing. One by one, a brother falls. In the end no body seems to care what the flow is anymore..

Admiring is one thing but to fall for someone is way different. The curves and narrow lines between em makes a whole lot of difference. I’m one man who doesn’t like falling. One man who defies gettin into all this after a much long needed break from this all. Failing is one BIG downfall for me. Its like being sucked into a black hole where nothing seems to exist in my world.

Being a mongrel or a scavenger. Flocking over me. All waiting for my time. The vultures circling above me. Knowing well enough I to shall fall. I can’t find a reason why I should give up yet my will to carry on fades as my heart loses it rythm. Why do you mean so much? Why do you stand so importantly in my soul? Enough is enough. But I can never get enough of you. I just hate it when my world’s axis is around you. I want to move on and forget yet this body wouldn’t function without a soul. A soul fixed and glued to you.

Remember the good all the days. As kids running around with no fear except for shadows at night. It was so good then. Emotions of only fear and happiness when given or taken. Cherished those memories till this very day. Scars on my body reminding me of all the accidents and casualties along the way.

How it hurts when I fell of a tree. The scar remainds till this day and just laugh at how stupid I was in the first place. The one time how happy I was when I first got straight A’s in standard 6. With all my friends we enjoyed that night. Till the end. I remember the scar I have on my knee when I was playing football on the field and the agony of pulling that piece of wood stuck in my knee.

I still remember how everynight I would just sit with my old friends and talk about our jokes, memories in school and just laughed and talk all night until the mapley said it was time to close. I remember all those memories and yet I can’t remember that one time I feel ever the same way as how I am feeling now.

Like I said all these scars remind me of my stupidity and foolishness. Yet the scar in my heart as it bleeds as her coronation ceremony in my heart begins. The queen has never saw the palace I made in my heart. Thus she even know it exist? Or maybe she has another kingdom to rule on. The beauty of choosing your stomping ground. Well, as I said no matter how hard you plan, pray and plan for things to work out it all remains true. Only in God’s will shall it happen. And there is no way you can buy what I seek. There is no way you can work out a miracle if it does not will.

Every single day, I’ll step out of this world and just carry on. Putting a smile on my face and act as if nothing is wrong and the world seems great. Excuses given everytime I fail to succeed in anything while I know it was purely me. How long can I put up an act. Smiling and laughing when I know its not what I want to do. In clutches I kneel when in reality I smile and say nothing of you. Try to hide it all so that nobody sees the agony. Try to live a normal life when it hurts to even see you. It hurts so much the scar breaks and bleeds again. In the end, I’ll just once again laugh at my foolishness. Laugh at how dumb I am. Laugh at how my acting starts to fade. My defence now unable to perform.

Now, slowly many start to realize how weak I am, how much I tried be now many have seen. That happy look fades as the now weak and foolish being takes shape. Is  it wrong to show how much you care or is it wrong for being so weak? Many will give answers but thats you. Your not me. You may have not met the one that fills your life with all that you need. You may say come on mate, cheer up. There are still loads of fishes out there but thats just an excuse when you lose something you really cherished. How can you continue life when you know that you just let something so great go? How can you? How can you?

That may just me. Heck, I am messed-up. Don’t take it to heart aite. Let’s just cherish the love shared during childhood. Those glorious adolecent years so great. Now, give me a sec as I put my mask once more. I need to go. My friends are calling my name. It is time to put on a show.

As I write this the vision of her never fades. With as many blink, with as many tries. There she still lies. Deep within my heart. I try, try, and try but yet again I feel. The truth is never want her to go away. Never leave me, just stay.

But I am scared. For my words may seem to banish what is left of her for me to cherish. I am scared my mere words, nothing special just words from my heart that reflect how I feel may just make her sail away. I try so hard to amke a decision. In front of my tribunal I stand.

All three said that I should be a man. That I am far away from the person I once was. But all three agreed and smiled that this is the first time ever, after 10 years by myside I have ever act this way. After 10 years I have finally met my match. Some one who managed to whip me apart. Some one who dared show me what life is all about.

I only to have a chance. To show my love for you, to care for you. Just to be there for you no matter what the challenge maybe. You may say things that try to hide your true beauty but no matter what my eyes purely see.

I accpet you for who you are, past, present and the future of you, you and only you. May it be bad or my it be good I don’t care. It is you I truly love. I accept everything that you are. Every single thing you may say, I accept your decision for me to stay away. But here this my heart’s decision shall always stay.

I never knew my words could inspire. I am only a lowly being. I achieved mediocry, I achieved nothing to compare to my siblings or peers that I truly respect. But I did achieved one thing that I have waited so desperately long that I am willing to change and go all out till I’ll lose my breath. I have found a feeling that I have never felt so strong. Just a feeling that from you I truly long for.

Let the seas, skies and land be my witness. I confest my feelings for you. And there my feelings shall stay for you for as long as I can ever live. Believe me. Trust in me. Just give me that chance. If not now, than I shall always wait. Anyone who reads this! HERE I PROMISE! I SHALL NEVER FALL FOR ANOTHER GIRL NOR SHALL I EVER TRY TO LOVE ANOTHER OTHER THAN THIS GIRL!

That is my promise. From my heart.

Ok guys, laugh all you want!! I mean this!! And You GUYS know it too… TO the others out there mind me will ya. I just cant help it. Have I ever been this way before?? You guys know rite.. Just let this one go k. I need your help here!! Fiq, thanks man for understanging!! Ur always my best man! Paan thanks for all the words and support you gave to ur lil man here. This may well be the last entry but atleast I said my piece. Unless she says that its enough than I shall carry on..

This maybe the last ever entry. So I would like to say goodbye. It was nice while it lasted. No more words and poetry from me. The red light is on and it is best I say goodbye. Thanks for the support and cool advices. You guys have been cool. In the end I have still lost and failure seems to be just an inch away.

I’m just fed-up of waiting, waiting and waiting. Along the way I got tortured, bruised and hurt. Its not fair considering the work and results I have compared to others. Yeah sure don’t persoalkan other people punya rezeki but this is just to much for me to swollow. It hurts when the only time I actually get sumthing turns out to be a close call. My frens r enjoying everything and i just get stucked here getting crap. Even my ex wants a piece of the action babbling in my ear. Let’s how i did so far this year. Academics: No where near my expected results and standard above 3.5 safe zone. I wonder why is that?? I could either say it was all my fault for not putting much effort or I could have said, not only was I nearly never able to feel happy studying there is always something disturbin my concentration. Sports: I managed nothing in this department. I got kicked of the old squad back here. I lost shape and I have started losing my touch in other sports too. Social life: For once I fear the most. I’m no longer an active member of the society. I no longer hang with any groups of friends except for the occasional frens at home. I have a few close friends of whom I everyday complain and I just pray (includes you) don’t get tired of me complaining. Love life: since my desrved break-up in February this year, not once have I evered thought I would be in a bad shape. I neglected others and just wanted some time off. In the end I find myself chasing for some one who thinks Im an unstable wacko and seems to hate me even more day after day.The first time ever rejected in my life. It hurts so bad yet I never give up wishing she would give me that chance. Personal life: From a believer I am turning to a more less reasonable and respectable friend and even I dissapprove of myself. I also see myself as a failier to my family, freinds and especially to myself. I wish I was spared this humiliation. Wishes: Give me a study loan for crying out loud. Give my oarents a break. They have worked so hard and I have put a lot on the line too. God if you hear me, please please please do this for me. I wont to continue my studies so much and achieve so much that I cant stop here after all I have been through.Please show me my effort is not put to waste and let it be fair, no more "cables" shoving off my chances. I respect her wishes if she thinks Im not a person who can comfort her or make her feel safe but atleast make her see how much I love her. Let her know I’m really true and sincere. Finally, please reward my frineds and family for always being there for me no matter what. Not once have I ever been left alone unless I run-off cause they have always tried their best to listen and helo me. Give them the happiness that they so deeply deserve. I promise you God that I shall do my best to give back to society. I will live my life for the sake of others. I promise.

What a day! I went to who nows where with my close pals. Along the way talking about how messed up I am eventhough I seem to be the one driving the car. Cruising here and there (its a routine nowadays everytime there is sum1 who is numb in the head), I agreed with every single word they said. I am just messed up. Everyday, like a freakin zombie ordering the same old food, drink, gambling, smokin my head of and just waste every ounce of pride or dignity I have left.

Now, they just seem to find it a miracle everytime I pop a joke or just simply smile. Drinks are free, and some even thank me for helping them winning a bet to see if I can actually be in a good mood. God, Im so messed up.

I see my car as the garbage can nowadays. All my clothes in there, books, all the surviving kits, everything I need is in that car. I have been running in circles, driving to who knows where. All the time thinking of the same person over and over. Get a life bro. I know Im just wasting my life but it seems so hard to erase things that you just don’t wanna. I’m just scared that maybe one day I wake up with some one else in my mind. They say thats a good thing but thats the kind of nightmare I dont wanna happen.

As I was saying, my parents still don’t know what has gotten into me. My brother thinks Im a loser and I agree. Last time when I drove all the way to PD alone in the car to clear my head I just realized one thing. If you wanna see sun rise its TOTALLY the OPPOSITE direction!!! Dude!!! It happened to me once but I am just to dumb t figure that out. Damn I need to take geography again.

Once an idiot, always an idiot. Now Im definitely an idiot or even worse, garbage. I dont really care much about the world, I dont care about myself.. The 3 things I do care now are just my family, close friends and you know who. Thanks for giving me this mentality. That shows I’m still a human being which still has feelings. I just hope one day I can turn back into the heartless bastard I was. That we I can feel less pain and just don’t give a damn anymore.

But, I’m still me. No way can I ever be that man before after talking my oath. I promised and I shall keep my bargain of the promise. I promised that if I ever fall in love again I swear to be a human being who respects emotions and considerate to others. It turns out Im just too emotional.

As I carry on to be the laughing stock for ages, I know I have something to feel proud of. Atleast I found the girl of my dreams, atleast Im happy although it didnt last long and atleast it was worth every sickening, agonizing feeling I have rite now just to give her the space and room she needs although I would day just to be by her said and shower her with undying love. But thats myside, she may think Im just a nuisance so its best things stay this way.

Lets just see where the "trash can" brings me tomorrow. Poor thing, I was driving with anger last time I near trashed my car. Now I only have 3 wheels.

-nothing but a G-

Tea-bagging is an art! Yes, many shall defy me but it is! Its been 21yrs since I first tasted life out of the sac and heck what a big deal a 21 yr old kid could face. I never ever dreamed that 2006 would really make me realize that old those childish years means a heap to me and really makes me wanna turn the hands of time.

A million miles I have traveled, a million smiles I have seen. A million tears I have seen shed, filling the seven seas. I just never learn from theories alone. My failures help guide me through these rough patches of life. After reading Milla’s entry on what changes she saw a few years back, I wonder where am I know. Have I took that step forward or have I just froze in time. Cowardly hiding behind the shadows I bare.

Taking these long drives away from my everyday life, sometimes PD, sometimes to Klang and sometimes just around the streets of KL city. I take my time molding all the clay into a vase. Not one time had I ever not felt the urge to just ram my car into the side walk and just potreting it in the front pages "student trashed car into streets filled with transexuals". That would have been the best ending for me.

I always what it would be like to be the total opposite of my life this year. Not that I wanted to be a woman (well, this year I’m turning into a bitch without me realizing it), it is just that what would have happened if I stayed here, if I managed to get her, if I actually do mature! But above all that as I snapped back to reality, I realized how many times I used the word "what if"s. It is the truth that no matter how you may see it, or how you refuse to accept your present state, it would not change unless you take the step now to create a different ending.

At 21, I still feel like a kid. Attitude, mentaly and all sorts. It doesn’t matter how I see it, the fact that I have NEVER took that step forward this year. I linger around to much to make a conclusion. I fear to much to take the risk. In the end, I am left here alone.

I just hope for a better future. For better luck. For a stronger heart. For a wiser journey. Believe me, this is the year I have learnt a few things. The hard way. You can never stay on top for ever. You need friends no matter how tough you think you can handle it. You need some one by yourside for comfort and advice. You need to learn to take advice and not just the one at the other end. You must learn to be a man cause adulthood never waits for you. The truth is sometimes hard to swollow and that will never change. I tea0bagged my way through life so far this year. Not once as a noble man. As a couragous fire fighter. As a smart thinker. As the person I was before. Taking the step forward is all that matters now and I wished I was with her and not alone.   

The Answers I Seek.

It was never an easy year for me. It will always be the year I will never forget embedded deep within my heart. The times I spent lying on bed wondering what went wrong? Was it me? Why? When? Is this all but a dream in my head? I could have quit and never look back. I could have chosen the way out. I could have walked the road so many have taken yet I stayed and prayed that I will fight on.

It was never easy being challenged every time possible. Neither once nor twice, had I wished it was not true. I opened my eyes everyday and still think of only you. In my deep dark heart I started to hate myself for being so. I never wanted this to happen, believe me I speak the truth. With all the things that has shaken my spirit. Not now. Not this very time. I want to make my fears go away and take on every challenge that has been thrown in my face.

But this is all but another twist from above toying with my heart and emotions. Every time I feel love and being so happy in the warmth I so desperately need, it goes away. Ripped away and that is left is another empty heart. Cursed and never will be lifted I shall walk this path I chose. Walking the plank to another dead end, forced to dive into oblivion in depths of the unknown until I finally drown in the bottom of the sea.

Why must I ever feel so? Why me and why now? When will this all be over? When will I lose this frown? But it all remains true. I did it all because of you. I made it so far even though life was so damned for me. I made it through even though words mean nothing to me. I made it through even though you never smile around me, yet I work to see it from a far. I made it through even though you will never accept me and my heart leaves a large scar. I will make it through cause I want nothing more from you but to see you smile. I will make it through because I want you to be happy and soar so far. I can never make you love me nor will you ever care for what I have deep inside. But for you I will never make you hate me, the only reason I am carrying on.

To have love is something hard since the meaning is so hard to describe. But making love is not a secret. Although I may be the only one working hard to win your heart. I will go on till the very end when He pulls my plug away. I will fight on because it is worth it may it be night or may it be day. The most precious moments of my life are the moments spent reaching to obtain your love. Even though I may fail and I will be hurt, it does not matter I will carry on. It is all because I know from the bottom of my heart. You are worth every single drop of sweat, every drop of tear and every single blood pumping to find your smile. It may never end well for me I know but for you I will never stop. For you, you and only you my life I dedicate and for you I will go on.

-mischievous lad-

13 November 2006