Not many know and believe. Only some remain sure. I believe many will say there are more unlucky people out there in the world. "Hei, don’t complain too much" or "bro, have some confidence in you". I am greatful for sure. I still have few people who still believe in me. People who still spend they’re busy lives trying to fit me in. People who just waste their precious lives just to smile at me.

I am a jerk. I have no value to this all to perfect life. Yet, I was given another sniff of a feeling i truly miss. A feeling I have from no other. I thank you for that. I know you would never read this. I know you’ll never care for me. I know it is all but a normal everyday thing to you to have someone grooling for your hand.

I know you would just think this is a mere joke. You would just say, come on get over it. I know you wouldn’t want to waste your time on some sleeze beg. Well, I wouldn’t either. You spent a few times, messaging me, listening to my calls, spending time to comfort me in my darkest hour, helping me by giving me hope. I appreciate it all. I truly do. I only want a chance but I realize it will never come through.

Your just to good to be through. Everyday I wake up and go to class wishing that it was all a dream. Hoping that your just an angel in my dreams. That your just one of my crazy imaginations. Wishing that I did not just see something so perfect to be real. Then, it hit me. I was the joke. I never realized it until now. I should have just stayed away. I should have just knew that this was not my place.

Why did I every have this feeling? Everyday my heart bleeds when I think of you. Everyday friends flock and say "cheer up mate" and everyday those words just pass me by.

Why must I keep holding on for some sort of a miracle? Why must I feel in so many things? Why is it so hard to forget you and other things in life? Why are you do only one who make feel this way?

I hope you do read this and give the answers. I’m just to weak to live a normal life. I’m just to ashamed and scared that my friends and whole life has reached its end. I just don’t why I’m writting on a page where so many are able to read. Maybe I’m just hoping you would click and read what is on my mind.

-end-

p/s: I know you know to whom Im dedicating this. You know.

Another day ends. I slept in class… I went to find my smile but I slept again. I dont know why, but its turning into a habit for me to sleep in college. One time I nearly missed my daily smile because of this sleeping sickness.. God, that would be bad!! Anyhow, on my way to class I caught my smile once more. Damn was I happy.

In the busy traffic I was once again lost in my dreams. Dude, a few more of those and Im sure to book a one way ticket to hot and fairy land below. Its so hard to stay focused these days. I wish I could end these emotional episodes fast and with a good ending.

Time and space wont do me any good. Everyday I find myself drifting off to some place alone and carrying this empty feeling. In the midst of this all I only see people walking by and my life in stand-still. Wished it would end. I wanna be apart of the world again. Many complain my changes. Many ask for answers. Many hands reaching out. None able to pull me out. Still waiting for "that" hand. Until then, I’ll keep on wondering. Until I find the answers I seek.

I only have this to give. None left from what I have encountered along the way. Passion is the one thing I still hold on too. Hope is something I look for. Destiny seems so hard for me to swallow. Ignorance no longer for me to concider. Dignity?? What is that I’ll ask back.

The only thing I hope is a new start. A new future. A new beginning. A new life. A life with you… Please open ur eyes and see me.

That day you walkef into my life. You filled it with colours and sunshine.You painted my sky with beautiful colours that made me wished my life will never end. When night comes you painted it with stars so britght. You stationed the moon to shine its rays so perfectly in the skies above. Shaded the skies with perfect smiles and scent of cinnamon. Lavenders in the morning and cinammon at night. Siarra and sun, my companion in the life I shared with you.

Now that you are gone my life is filled with street and neon lights. As if I was stranded in time, sitting alone in the streets and everything walks past me by. Without anyone noticing. Without anyone stopping by. Without anyone realising my existance. I just sat there or started drifting from land to land. Walking without a cause. My stride no longer has its meaning. Just stopping where my heart desires. Desiring nothing but you and your smile.

I search the seven seas and raided every tomb searching for a place to rest in peace. Until I came to your doorstep. There I see you, with another man. A child running around hugging you as you held him in your arms. As that man kissed you on your forehead. I watched through the window far away on the cold dark streets of time. I smiled. Tears came running down. You have finally found your happiness. You have finally found someone who could give you everything your heart desires. With that I carried on my walk. Towards nowhere. Towards my final breath of air…

-mischievous lad-

Deep down ever so deep. Creeping through the barrows made by creatures of the unknown. The slow but clear sound beats. Drumming gentle war drums. Ever beat wakens the warriors of the undead. Will not die nor will it fade.

The outside world seems calm and clear. Unaware of the ravage beast kept within. None noticing the war drums kept unveiled. None realize the dangers it brings. The fogs of war soon will rise. No ray of light no sight of sun. All that is left is none.

Yet it seems so calm and peaceful. No war paints. No war drums. No dark clouds. No tears to be found. Keep it this way. Voices cry aloud. End the war. Let peace be shared. Well is that true? Deep down inside everyone cries for something they believe is true.

The truth you say? What is that to a child of war? Never able to bathe in the rays from above. Only showered by red rain. Soaking in red water flowing on the ground. We seek shelter ever so dear. Still asking for more while heads disappear.

I walk the path I wish to evade. Standing in front of the stone. It reads a name I deeply missed. Quickly memoirs of past flooding through. I try to block yet it penetrates through. I fall on my knees. Wishing it would end. For the beast will rise. Asking for revenge. Revenge is sweet I know, I have tasted it.

What I thought was sweat was only something I wished. My words are but of lies since my eyes showed that I could not deceive. It could not lie. On my knees I cried. Why? Why? Why? Why did you take him away when it all mattered most? Why did you take him away when he was the one that really cared? Why I am left alone with this heart aching. So empty I feel in a dark, dark world. Counting the days spent without him and left alone.

I still remember the times he spent teaching me about life. Teaching the ways of men. The pride, the passion. The days when he waited for me in front of school. The days he protected me even though I was the fool. The days he kept me from the torrid world. The days he spent telling tales I want to know. The days he spent tucking me to sleep. Waiting till I closed my little eyes for I was scared monsters will get me if I sleep. The day he kissed my forehead when I finally fell asleep.

I miss you so much. Without you my life is so dark. I never wanted you to leave. Stripped away from my soul and heart. I don’t want to cry and show that I am weak. No please stop. Please. Please. Please. He taught me how to be a man. I want to do that I really try.

As I stood there on my knees with his eldest child I cry. I stared at his face so lost and not knowing why. I smiled at him and told him hold your head up high. Your father was a great man. Nowhere can I compare. He helped made me who I am till this very day I stand.

Don’t you worry don’t you dare frown. I am here for you no matter what. Like he was for me. I am here for you. Like my child you are. I’ll be there for you. For you are apart of me. Just hold you heart and listen. There he lives inside of you.

Well, seems to me the message did reach through! Thanks for the comments. The 2 most active people on my list.

The best thing to do. You know when the staying in makes you feel all screwed up in the head and you just don’t know what the heck is going on? Well, being a useless bumb I am, it really was a strange thing to feel.

I now understand that combining emotions, good virtues and past experience is the way to channel your actions to the fullest but yeah, luck is still a big thing to overcome.

You know what? I tried everything for the past months here in this barren land. Not more then five successess have I tasted since. All this "you could do it if you put your heart to it" shit aint really making much sense to me now.

All I see is if you got talent, hardworking, know how to manipulate and luck is on your side, then you’ll bloody make it good here in Malaysia or maybe life.

Another category would be "I got cash and contacts" group of people. These people are concreted with all the need and success here. I’m not being judgmentl or shit but this is true. Ask anyone around and most will agree.

The best thing to do? I don’t really know. I just know, after all that and this it still goes back to ya. Do you or do you not want to move on? How bad do you want it? I want it real bad but the truth is, I want her to be happy. The shit I’m going through rite now aint nowhere compared to the feelings I have now.

Anyhow, life is all about taking that step and moving on. I know its hard but that may seem not the best option but its the only one you have!

Believe it or not I have finally come to a decision. Emotions are the route of all things humanly possible.

Today I saw friends fought for what they felt. I witnessed it all. My goals and ambitions based on my emotions. I dreamt a thousand dreams. Everyone linking me to my actions.

Nature taking its course. Shattering the lives of little ones. Based on emotions shadowed by propagandas galore. Not once have I traced a companions able to put it aside and act for the sake of honour. It is no more. Act based by lust, greed and all the seven sins put into one.

I acted like a fool these days. Channeled by emotions towards nothing I could grasp. Losing so much along the way. In this holy month I learnt a lot. Soul searching for the answers I truly seek. Finally doing things I missed so much.

I wished I was more of a man like the others I saw before me. Acted wisely and cunningly as great men before me. Taking the step forward seems so hard when you feel all alone. Little did I noticed my emotions clouded me from my goal.

Wake up and smell the winds of change. The path I now walk filled with foot steps left by peers who made it through. I see my own foot steps moving forward and then another making the U-turn back to were I am now once before.

A child no more but a man seen by the naked eye. Lies the soul of an infant trying to spread his wings and fly. Death creeps closer day by day yet I have not let go of the memories playing in my mind. How am I to walk the path of men if Im glued to where I am now?

Emotions, the one that controlled my every move. Now I try to erase my fears. I’ll try believe me I’ll try. For you I’ll try. For you I will. Till the end of time, I’ll try. Believe me I will.

-mischievous lad-

The hands of time has never stopped for one second. Not even once. I stared and wait and still it moves as if nothing can stop it. Fooled by actions made, I try to hide behind the shadows.

The fact that a year has nearly passed and what has changed was just the digits alone. I feel trapped in a world of my own. Scared to take the first step forward. Scared to actually move on a leave my past behind.

Let the truth be told. A year plagued by tormenting trials and tests. Makes me realize what is instored for me up ahead. Sure I made it true but I am alone. Alone I stand facing the clouds of war. No one there beside me. No one there to guide me.

Scared I am its true. For what the future holds might hurt me more. Im scared I might lose this time. Lose a game the has a cost. I can’t face another day like this but I must for the responsibilities on my list. Hiding the fear underneath I walk the valley of the unknown.

Everytime I pass A to B, I manage to U-turn back to A. Face again the rough path of the same old land. Maybe that is why Im scared and tired. I have tested the fruits of joy only the ones that are sour. I cannot lie I must go on. For this is a journey many faced before me. I shall not fail for I have to prove. The name I carry, the hopes on my shoulders and to prove my love for you……

As u may notice, Im not writting in my usual style of way.. Why?? Because Im just to tired, confused and totally dead numb up in the head rite now.

I don’t know what has gotten into me but im totally mesmerized and plucked from reality when it comes to certain situation.

For instance, do you know I actually waited hours just to see a glimpse or just a simple smile? Yeah, its really pitiful when I put it to paper but believe me or not those were really great moments for me too…

Well, I think Im gonna start writting again. Milla, told ya I wont stop that long.. Its the only friend I have. Seriously, never figured I’d be the sissy writter type… HAHAHHAH…. who says writters are sissies anyway!!!

6.00pm on a boring Wednesday. not a sniff of her today. I came I went back and she was gone. Damn!!!!! hahahahaha…. sooo desperate!!! wat a loser huh????? Seriously, never have I ever been this way, and I do know Im not gonna get anywhere by acting this way… Well, just enjoying wat i can….

Life is a nothing but smiles, good will, luck, crap, love and ooo yeah not to mention lies…

I’m going to be real honest this time. I really hate writting.. Its true. The reason I do it is because its the one time i’m really honest with myself and it makes me feel good when I get to let my heart do the talking.

Truth is eventhough all the hocus pocus mambo jumbo crap I got throughout this year none can compare to the feeling I get from this one single girl! Seriously, I’m really pissed that I had to really love someone.

I have been a loner for ages( yeah eventhough I have a gf and all in the past) but this is different. I had so many things on my mind and still her face manages to pop-up "peek-a-boo" and damn, Im hit…. Gosh, wouldnt it be simple if my life was just as it was…

Now, I face everyday sighing at times and feel so weak thinking of her. Dude, believe me my friends are starting to hate me. Being the guy I was I really understand how they feel… Love was always something I grade really down my must-do-list order..

I asked 5 guys. 2 said dude, wateva u do give us back the old you! Another said it might do good to you. You might learn to actually care for some one long enough to actually love it. The others said I shud just die! Hahahaha… Great friends I have. Always there for me…

The part about telling the truth is the best. Not one day I spend my life not telling a white lie. But the fact that I cant lie to myself about the feelings I have for this girl seems really stupid to me. GOD, if ur hearing this, please help me! I want to be myself again.

hehehe… ok, I’ll be writting again soon since its all I have now.