Mischievous Days

Everyone’s been asking me about ideas for their anniversaries, for birthdays, for V Day and all that I managed to answer was “I don’t know”…

It’s been so long that I’m stuck finally without any words or ideas. Even put in some time to think but the truth is I could not come up with a single one.

So now I’ll let my feelings take over, I’ll let my passion and emotions do the talking..

My friends, the 10 things I would do for that one person:

1. Dinner on a cruise after sunset topped by the gentle winds and night lights to cap of a perfect day
2. A picnic by a pond and then just dance in the light evening rain
3. A ride in a helicopter overlooking the evening lights
4. Having a cup of coffee in the coldest peak as the warm fire place gives warmth for us that day
5. Take you for a surprise trip on a plane just to watch the sunset together and go back again
6. Have an orchestra play our song for us alone at the place we first met
7. Write the first 10 words you said to me and make it into a song
8. Take you to the dessert and show you what it looks like when you are not here with me
9. Paint you the dark skies above as the stars shine just for you to see
10. Bring you the biggest mirror to show you how, what, who, when and why my mind, my blood, my breath and my heart is for as it is the only thing that defines me

‘It’s crazy to think that I’ve been a wreck for all these four years,

A long agonizing journey made simple just by the fact that it was for something greater, something bigger,

For as long as I can remember, for as long as I’ve lived, for as long as I’ve walked this road I picked,

You are worth every ounce of my sleepless nights, you are as you are and forever will be…. the goddess of my dreams, the keeper of my soul, the one that completes me, the one that can only make me feel free….’

Happy 2009 mates! Hope you guys rock your worlds this year and spend your days knowing you did everything you could throughout this year!

It is a funny thing really

You come and go like the wind outside

Not knowing what hit me

Not knowing what happened these past few years

When I finally realize it is already past that year in 2003

More than five years had gone by without me realizing

More than five years it has been since you were last with me

More than five years it has been since you were here in my arms smiling at me

Till I finally realize I’m already 23

When everything I did reminds me of you
When all the things I saw then reminds me of you
Where were you?
Where were you then?
Where are you now?
When everything you did just doesn’t matter to me then, matters to me now

I gave you the world
I gave you everything I had
I gave you the one thing that no one in the world could’ve had
My heart and soul for yours to keep
Even in your dark and lonely sleep
Even if it was all I had then but it was all that you said you wanted and you need

Remember that time I was far away and you cried missing me to sleep?
Remember when you said I wasn’t there but I would appear to comfort you in your dreams?

What know my love?
What more can you say?
As you said goodbye and left me saying I was never there and never listened what you had to say
What more can I say?
What more can I do?
After these five long years I still kept on missing you
After these five long years I still can’t love another but you

It is so hard at times I just don’t know how to show it

I got to say sometimes that lack of education in you really shines so bright

Not that I’m proud of it but at least I have the common sense

I know when to ask and when to say so

I know that it is hard to ask for one’s time since one is also a human being with one’s own needs and responsibilities

But please understand, it is not that I don’t care but it is a crime for me to submit to your wishes during these times

I know that you have been here for months but understand this, my family alone hasn’t seen me for so long.

How can I not stay with em after so long not seeing them?

How can I not prioritize my time for them?

Why run and hide when you know best what you feel inside,
Why dance and smile while I can see clearly through your made-up smile,
Why cry when you know it’s all just crocodile tears,
Why bother ask when your never here.

Why sing a song of love and joy when you never feel that way anymore,
Why continue waiting when your the one that closed the door,
Why give up such a beautiful tale,
Why say goodbye if your going to back again.

Why do I write all these words at this time of night,
It’s because big damn mosquitoes and I just had a massive fight,
But now I feel these words and my heart aches,
To keep my mouth shut but my hands just can’t wait.

So let bygones be bygones for all the blood you mosquitoes take,
Let me sleep soundly tonight for God sake,
Don’t bother looking back on what we had then,
Cause you know we could never turn back the hands of time.

"Born to walk this earth,

    Born to seek wonders and answers,

        Born to fail only to learn to appreciate success,

            Born not to see evil,

                Born not to cry rivers of tears,

                    Born for a reason,
                        Born not to seek endless opportunities
                            But born to grasp the one the comes by without looking back"

Have I ever appreciated life? Are my footprints on the sands of time ever meaningful? Did I ever smiled and say thank you? Did I ever caught a falling tear? Did I ever say how much my life is complete because of you? Did I say my life was perfect because of you?

23 years the hands of time never failed to turn for me. 23 years the Moon appears on the dark clear skies, 23 years the stars painted the darkness in my eyes. 23 years I walked this path and 23 years it has been since the day my ship set sail and left for a trip called life.

I may be a fool. A great fool I may be. Never doing the right things but I always knew it was alright. Every time I fell I knew you were always nearby to put me back on my track. Endless days spent thinking of me whether "is he gonna be okay?" "is he gonna be alright?"

Now on this rightful day let me say mama, THANK YOU. Thank you mama cause I know you always gave me your best and don’t you worry mama, everything is going to be alright………

Tribute to moms all over the world

Wish once then when we were young and naive,
Wish once then when we knew not what it even means,
Wish again, wish it more and wish back again,
Wish for toy cars, dolls, colouring books galore,
Wish for mama not to scold me for lying back then,

Wish upon a falling star,
Make a wish no matter where you are,
Wish it well,
Wish it right,
Cause we never knew then what was wrong and what was right.

The wish I made never came true,
The wish I made for me and you,
The wish I made to for ever stay,
The wish I made for you not to move that day.

May that star come again back up there in the sky,
So I could tell him that he had lie,
So he would know what that wish meant to me,
So he could see how lonely I have been,
So he would give me my wish back again,
So he could return my long lost friend.

What it feels to lose him then,
What it feels for him to lay there no matter what I say,
What it feels deep down inside to lose a friend,
What it feels to waive goodbye as he goes far far away,
What it feels when you know he will no longer be there,
What it feels to know he took that flight up there.

Wishing upon a falling star,
Wishing for him to see me now,
Wishing that he is among those stars above,
Wishing he could see how I miss him and love,
Love him most even if he is no longer here,
Love him even if he left me all in tears.

Dear star, why did you fall but not grant me my wish?
Why did you promised me but still it has not appeared?
I wished for my friend to always be here,
I wished that my friend would be my friend still,

Now I see that the star had not lie,
Now I see with my naked eyes,
No more tears, no more tears,
As a hand wipes away those tears,
And another, and another, so many hands here,
Wiping my tears so I could clearly see,
That the star kept his promise it made to me,
Friends so many my eyes can not count,
And my long lost friend found,
Deep within my heart.

-Tribute to you, my uncle, my friend, the one that raised me, the one that took me to see football games, the one that scolded me, the one that loved me no matter what, no matter when. I miss you dearly-

To thank another human being is not always an easy task. The phrase maybe simple but the feeling of sincerity and willingness to do so takes a lot out of ones ego. An egoistic self-centered and proud man may take a long time to do so while a weak hearted, low self-esteemed and mentally traumatized man would say it with ease.

My point here may not be so simple and direct but to say thank you means a lot to some one who seeks satisfaction in making others happy and in making ones life happy is but all that one person’s goal in life.

My walk from Siberia to Cyber Ria seems to be of interest to many friends. My thoughts and how my mind works then, my it be my emotions getting the best of me or may it be other non explainable terms to rile up my story for others to tell their future kin.

Let’s put aside that story my friend if you so happen to read this. Let me tell you the story of the road I chose once then. To carry on or to choose another was my choice back then abide the fact that you were there and you did see it. To inflict more pressure on my father’s head was never the intention I had then. Neither was it to run away like the dog I am known to some nor was it emotions controlling my judgment now and then.

My past so many have heard and lived through together with but what is in my heart I have kept six feet under for as long as my 23 year old body carries my 12 year old soul with  for so long even I can no longer see myself. Why now you may ask? Why not then?

It is so easy to say "I’m happy" when the mask you’ve been wearing has been there since you were only ten. Hiding my emotions and true feelings from others as a sign of weakness to all was clearly not my intention or was it mine now for all to see. What actually is burning myself is not the physical and mental abuse and torture outside but what my soul burns out slowly from inside is whats’ killing me.

Years and years of hiding the fact that I was hurt by the series of unconscious torture of guilt and non wanting the accept the truth of whats’ at hand then has started to pile so high that I could no longer see. The peak no longer within the naked eyes’ reach, no longer felt, no longer measured, no longer can you walk using mere feet.

It pains me to say I feel alone even though I have so many around me and I feel alone cause for so long I no longer tell what it is I feel. The feeling you guys gave me even for awhile I’ll cherish till the day I die and no longer breathe. That day your smiles touched me so deeply. That day your smile sparked me back to life. That day I smiled my first true smile. That day you showed up back into my life even if it was for just one peep.

"Thank you" I’ll say it once cause that is the most sincere "thank you" I’ve ever said. "Thank you" for sharing and being apart of my memoirs that day I turned 23. "Thank you" for the wishes, lavishing me with your kind words and endless love. "Thank you" even though some may forgot the correct day and the correct moment but I understand that there is love. "Thank you" for making me feel appreciated for what our friendship has so long stayed. "Thank you" for bringing me up, raising me although so many times I have failed. "Thank you" for trusting me even if I may lie again some day. "Thank you" for being there cause it hurts me more when I’m alone and no one cared.

May these 23 years of existence be worth to all and benefit man-kind more than it will ever benefit me. May I one day make these figures people call age matter and not just mere figures so that the wisdom and experience gained will make me the man people hope to see. May God grant me the wisdom, patience, loyalty to Him, courage and the kindness to withstand these coming years. May I one day pay back your kind words, thoughts and hopes with not mere promises but with proof that I so deeply need. May one day I be the man who walks with his two feet, two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one heart, one brain, and so many souls not just mind but the souls of all of you that made me, "me".

Face it all face it now.
The lonely nights sweeping us as we sleep in the dark cold nights.
The days spent eating alone or with friends.
The days spent like it’ll never end.
The days I say Hi and Goodbye.

The days we sang in the car as it slowly rains.
The day you stayed home all alone.
The days you were sitting next to the phone.
Every time you hoped that I’d stayed away.
The days that you pray that I’ll be here and stay.
No matter what you say or do, that fact is I still love you.

When I said no and you said you’ll wait.
The day you cried when I walked away.
The day I came back to see your smile.
The day I saw you with another guy.
The day I saw your sweet bright smile.
The day I knew that time really flies.
That day I said that you deserved the best.
That day I knew it was one that’ll last.

Now I see what a fool I’ve been.
To not see what was there from the very beginning.
Now as you walk that sacred isle.
I say good luck and keep that smile.
As I spread my lonesome wings.
I’ll soar the skies for that one thing.
Thank you for those precious times.
Thank you till the day I finally die.

In you I learned what happiness really means.
In you I believe.
In you I see.
In you I know what love really means

-Written on a lonely night-

Not long ago (about a week ago to be exact), the topic "what if you could turn back the hands of time? What would you change?" was brought up to me by a close friend of mine (I think you know who you are but I just hope no one reads this find out). It struck us all back then. Thinking of the times we wished it was really true, thinking how much we would have been better now if we had not did the things we did then.

I gave an answer that I wouldn’t change a thing saying that I happy with the things that are happening to me rite here rite now. Well, am I really happy? What if I didn’t do those things back then? What if I stayed and carried on? What if I fought harder for what I believed in? What if I said the things I really felt back then? What if?

Come on, face the fact. What if? What if? Those are merely feelings of regret. We all accepted the fact even if we don’t say it out loud that turn goes by. Slowly for some, fast for the others but never turning back around. Sure the clock may say 5 and then it is 4 again but it would only mean 4 on the next day not an hour back.

So? Do you have any regrets? Do you wish could turn the hands of time and defy the law of nature? Deep down everyone has their own skeletons locked up in their closet. Deep down everyone has their own secret. But believe me, turning back and changing things wouldn’t change who we are now what so ever. A mistake then just shows how much naive we were, how much inEXPERIENCE we were then.

I spelled EXPERIENCE in a capital words intentionally cause that is the main thing that I need to highlight here. Experience, may it be good or bad, keeps us alive. It keeps us wiser. My friend then said that he was happy he made those mistakes. He said, "Bro, I may not be the best man alive but I now know how not the be the worst guy in the future". Those words were so meaningful I have to write it down here.

What if I stayed on and fought for your hand? Countless nights I kept asking myself this question and were am I now? No where! It doesn’t mean a thing. It doesn’t change a single thing. But it is nice to dream rite. It is always fun to write your own fairy tale and be the champ in everything.

Of course no one loves losing. I still remember that penalty kick I could have saved back in school. The ball had already touched my fingers, just a bit more I said then. What if I did save that ball? Wouldn’t we moved on to the finals. Wouldn’t that pushed me own to play football seriously? Wouldn’t that make be as fit as I was then? Wouldn’t I be the man I was back then? Again ask ourselves, would you receive the great things you have now if you had changed back then? Questions left unanswered to me to this very day. Yet, I move on cause I know I have no time to write that fairy tale for my mind is needed here at this very second, at this very day.

Move on, stay strong and nothing will go wrong some say. But the fact that no one promises us anything a 100% shows how much experience they have. Nothing is predictable. Don’t worry if it is a 99% failure as long as you believe that there is still 1% left to cling upon.

Can we do something now and change the past? Can I write off history that was already made?

I think you bro for bringing up this topic for because of you I’ve realized how much I have gotten strong. I realize that dreams are things to look forward to in the future for my actions now would make a change.

Friends from that conversation then I wrote down three things I wanted to change. Then, I wrote another three things I am happy with now and I wished it stayed the same. I realize now, one thing lost yet, another thing I will gain. Please my friends pull yourself back up. Drag your feet back into this present life we walk today, Look back at the past a reminder and look back forward again for the past will never change. "What if"s will never happen. "What if"s will never change anything. Keep your head up and walk on. Please believe in yourself and you’ll see one day that nothing can stand in your way.

Yet again I managed to not hit the books and indulge myself once again in boredom. So once again without further explaining why this post is up here I present to you a lil bit of what I experienced or absorbed from others into this post.

Behind every man may sound a bit dramatic or exaggerated by many but lets just think for a minute and look this up a lil. The main reason why this topic came up is cause an old friend of mine just got married and I had just finished talking to my bud mainly giving an excuse of why I didn’t make it to his wedding (sorry bud, really forgot it was this week! I totally forgot about it) and congratulating him.

Over millions of times the topic of "dude, have you ever thought of gettin’ married young?" Well, first of we need to define young. My late grandpa got married at 18 and I thought that was young but sure those days it was more of a natural thing than it is "taboo" thing to talk about among us guys here. But believe it or not, four out of ten of my close friends are married by the age of 21-23! Thats like 40% and not to mention those were the guys who sad no to getting married young and were all about enjoying life first.

Believe me, being called "married young" is such a subjective word. A close friend of mine is already in his late 20s and his says he is as young as me. Yet, people still think he is still to young to bother about marriage. I personally believe that we should just be happy with our friends choices and support them in any way possible. It is not easy of course and having people talking behind your back is not helping either. So lets just do the talking here and think about it rather than mentioning names and say things we’ll regret.

The three main reasons why guys even do thing of settling down are simply these top three answers:
1) "Man, if I don’t get married now, I think she’ll be snapped up by another guy". Putting it simple, if you love someone that much and you know she is the one than just seal the deal. Another fact is that women naturally do get married earlier than men in terms of the puberty cycle aspect. Come on, I was always shorter than girls in my class before I was in high school. They mature way faster. It is a theory but still facts show women get married way younger than men.

2) "Dude, I am sure I am prepared and have my future well planned. I wanna get married now and I am sure I would be a great husband". Rarely heard especially from the guys in Malaysia here but sure heard of a lot from friends studying abroad.

3) Then there is the infamous "Dude, I’m gonna a dad soon and I am still in school!". Not the very best reasons but the numbers never lie. Lets not talk about it cause I think the education system should handle this topic instead.

What I have here are a few things of what a guy really truly seeks in their future wives ( 30% my thoughts anyway cause most of the answers were either pretty much the same or were to dumb to even mention or just not the kind of material I put up here rather than my personal blog anyway).
Not to say every guy has the same list but its a general thing and it suits most men.
1) Love - If you are just in love with someone it doesn’t really matter much what you say to convince him to stay in the League of Single Men. Your feelings cloud your head to think and your actions follows your control tower up there.

2) Understanding - We say it all the time but if I could find a girl as understanding as my close buds are heck I’ll marry her right here, right now! The point here is actually compatibility, interests and trust. All three combined and you will get that understanding. If we can never get that right than it sure is hard in the long run.

3) Able to control and know when not to - this is actually a personal thing but when I talk about it most of us agreed. I just find it hard to stay in a relationship long enough cause I know I am hard to handle at times and when someone does manage to tame me, she doesn’t know when to loosen-up her grip. It is impossible for to tell you every single time I leave home, go to the shops for a minute and then report back when I do get home if I’m doing it a lot in a single day. It is cool if it is a rare or a one off thing but sometimes you need to feel that freedom. That is way men tend to be "Bravehearts" and fight for our freedom. But, if you don’t have someone there to correct you when your wrong or stop you if you think it is for your own good that is just the same as not having someone next to you at all.

4) Caring - "Come on bro, behind all that thick stubborn head of yours, you gotta admit you just cannot not love being cared by her". Thats what they always say and yeah I admit they’re right on about that even if I never do admit it. Who doesn’t like the feeling of being appreciated and told how worried they are if anything goes wrong to you.

5) This is what I call the Mommy Syndrome. It is like this to most men. The first ever woman in our lives are mostly our mothers. Thus, this little bit of "my mom always does this" or "my mom likes to this for me" quotes always does pop up. The more you resemble a guys mom (not in terms of looks but more to her style or character), the more he is to like you more. It is strange true but it is a fact.

Mostly the other stuff are subjective to a specific person. For example, I would want someone who is near to me always while some might have other personal things then I do so it is just not worth mentioning since it is not about what I like but more of what the findings of my experiences with friends as a whole.

Sorry again for not being able to accept any requests or give out my personal blog to everyone. I do it mainly to maintain privacy and to be as free to let out what ever I want there without worrying that I might be hurting anyone I know. Cheers again and take care. Oh yeah, please do leave comments on what you think or any thoughts freely in any of my posts.

Adios